I married a wonderful man, true. I wanted to divorce this wonderful man once a month during the first three years of our marriage, also true.
I wasn't cut out for loyalty. Up until I married him, I'd quit on a lot of things and a lot of people.
I remember being in the seventh grade and deciding to ditch my best friend Enid. Enid was funny, smart and LOYAL. She was the first and only friend I had 5th and 6th grade since I was new to our school. She was a wonderful human being. In my mind she just wasn't "cool" enough.
I remember consciously accepting I would no longer be her friend and that I would make my way over to the cool table come junior high. What an ugly truth. I know.
That was just the person I was. Perhaps it was age, perhaps it was immaturity, whatever it was, it was ME!
Many moons later I was married. I was married to a LOYAL man who married a quitter. I would quit on us at every turn. When I didn't get my way, if he disappointed me and when he was doing the best he could to be a young husband and father. Now, he wasn't the easiest person to be married to in those early years, but he was loyal. If anything it was his deep loyalty making up for my quitter's mentality that battled the divorce dragon. He slayed the dragon in me who spewed fiery divorce threats as often as a person changes underwear (hopefully that means often to you).
Today, I understand who I was growing up. I lost many friends through the years including my high school best friend. I saw her recently and remembered how much I loved our friendship. She was such a huge part of my youth. But I was disloyal to her too by being disloyal to someone she dearly loved. That was the quitter in me.
My husband eventually became another best friend I was willing to lose. He, however, loved me passed my imperfections. He believed in me when I didn't believe in me and and he believed in us.
I grew out of my need to quit on people who loved me, or actually, I slay the quitter dragon in me on a daily basis. I realized these people weren't my father and wouldn't eventually leave me like he did, again and again. In my life, I strive to be constantly loyal and present. More importantly, I don't care about cool. I'm actually not very cool. I should really give Enid a call. Though I'm sure she's so much cooler than me - she's always been.
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Submit guest posts all this week for our Keeping It Real Series. Submissions accepted via email at Irene@hermamas.com (annoymous posts also accepted).